Dreams
by Reni-Maniac
Summary: COMPLETE! When are they actually going to sort things out? As Mac is struggling with herself (and haunted by dreams) their talk is delayed... again! (HMR midseason 9)
1. Chapter 1

_Spoiler:_ Everything up to Paraguay. After that I altered the storyline a little.

_Disclaimer:_ JAG still belongs to DPB and others. 

_Summary: _When are they actually going to sort things out? As Mac is struggling with herself (and haunted by dreams) their talk is delayed... again!

Thanks to my friend Inken for reading this story ;)

* * *

_  
  
Dreams are there to show you the way  
(better take a look inside),  
Close your eyes find out what they're trying to say  
(you gotta take a look inside)  
-- _Westlife – Dreams come true --

**DREAMS**

****

She was sitting in a rocking chair, smiling down at a sleeping baby. Gently she rocked back and forth not to wake it. She could see the soft black hair that covered the head. And although the boy's lids were closed she knew the eyes that were hidden underneath, an astonishing blue. A blue like that of a brilliant summer sky. But a blue she knew would darken in time. Darken to the color of his father's eyes. The woman rocked the baby gently in her arms.  
  
She heard a door click someway off. And only moments later there he was. She looked at Summer Whites, Gold Wings, black hair and those deep blue eyes she'd always lost herself in.  
  
He stepped closer to her and the child. Bending down to kiss her he softly took the boy out of his mother's arms. Carefully holding the little head he positioned the infant on his left arm, protected against his chest. She watched the man touch the small face tenderly. Saw his finger circle the outline of the baby's ear. Watched him run it down over his cheeks, only touching the baby softly. His finger trailed down a tiny arm slowly caressing a hand so small one could hardly believe it. Automatically the baby's hand opened and tried to encircle his father's index finger.

* * *

A woman opened her eyes, something must have woken her. She checked her internal clock. 0425. There it was again, a blowing horn somewhere down the street. She looked round the room. With her eyes adjusting to the dark, well known outlines started to come into focus. The edge of her dresser, the end of her bed, and the bump next to her, on the other side of the bed. She laid back down, maybe she could find another hour of sleep.  
  
She felt the minutes pass, but sleep didn't come. So after half an hour she gave up and started rising. When the bed shook softly the bump began moving. Two eyes were meeting hers, pleading that they could stay in bed. She knelt back down on the bed and patted what she thought to be the torso.  
  
"Stay." she whispered softly. She knew he needed his sleep. Jingo was old. And the only things he normally did was sleep and eat in a regular pattern. She loved her dog and appreciated him for giving her company.  
  
Mac rose to get herself ready for a run. Maybe the run could ease her mind. She dressed into a running shorts and an old Marine Corps Sweater for the still chilly morning of mid-march.  
  
The 15 miles had done their best to set her thoughts to other things, but the moment she entered her apartment the vision of the night's dream was back. She'd had that dream for several weeks already. Always the same. And each time she woke from it she felt some strange feelings. She loved having that dream, knew pretty well that it was the thing she wanted most, but in the same moment she knew that right now it was most unlikely to happen. Things weren't at their best to put it gently.  
  
By 0700 hours Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie closed the door of her apartment and headed for work. She would be early. But there were enough things to do, other than to think of some stupid dream.

* * *

When she entered the office of JAG Headquarters things were still quiet. Only a few people already there.  
  
"Morning Ma'am."  
  
"Morning Coates." she greeted the PO that had approached her.  
  
Mac's glance wandered off to the old office of Sturgis. It looked empty. Would have been a wonder though if he'd been here early.  
  
"He's in the break room, Ma'am." PO Coates eyes had followed hers.  
  
Mac only nodded. So he was here early, not running late for a change. She retreated to the relative safety of her office. She needed her morning coffee, true, but on the other hand she wouldn't like to run into him right now. Mac sat down behind her desk still thinking about whether she should go for the needed coffee or stay hidden in her office.  
  
A soft knock brought her out of her reverie. And when she looked up she looked right into those blue eyes of her partner, her best friend. He was standing there leaned against the door frame waiting for her to tell him to get in.  
  
"Coffee?"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
He made two steps into the office for putting the mug down and than stepped back to where he'd come from.  
  
They stayed in silence, both sipping their coffee.  
  
"I didn't see your car down there. Didn't thought you were here."  
  
"It broke down. I've got a rental for the time being. The blue one."  
  
Yeah, she'd seen that.  
  
Another period passed without either saying a word. Finally he started to turn, wanting to head back to his own office.  
  
"Commander." They needed to talk, desperately.  
  
He stopped, but didn't turn.  
  
"Harm." It wasn't much above a whisper, but it made him turn, made him look into her eyes.  
  
She hadn't said that in a long time. When he returned to JAG she had stayed with the rank. It was easiest to keep the pain and anger out of her voice this way. She'd feared to speak his name would only give way to her feelings. Feelings she might not be capable of handling, at least not in the office, facing a bullpen of junior officers and enlisted.  
  
"Harm, we need to talk."  
  
Yes, they surely did.  
  
He nodded his head. "Dinner some time this week?"  
  
It was her time to nod. Her eyes followed him when he crossed the bullpen for his office. They needed to talk, and they would do so, soon.

* * *

The day had gone by with her meeting Harm only once in the staff meeting. It was late already when she shut her computer down, took her cover and headed out of her office. Once again her eyes wandered to his, seeing if he was still there. But the door was closed and she couldn't see the light being on. He was probably home by now.  
  
In the parking lot she looked around for his car, but the only ones left were the Admiral's SUV and a small Mazda Mac knew belonged to some Ensign up in the office. So he was gone.  
  
Mac was driving along Beltway thinking about going to Beltway Burgers or not, when her cell started to ring. She took the call and her new-bought free speaker switched into action.  
  
"Hi, you already home?"  
  
"No, still on Beltway." She was surprised to hear Harm calling her. Callings were another thing that had become rare these last months.  
  
"About our dinner." he paused.  
  
'He's backing out once again.'  
  
"How about Thursday? Mattie and Jennifer are having another one of there girls nights."  
  
"Thursday's fine with me." she answered glad she had been wrong, but still not fully convinced yet.  
  
"So I'll come by around eight?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"See you tomorrow." He disconnected the call and Mac was left with the soft peep of the line.

* * *

The next two days went by smoothly. Mac wanted to slow time down, but then again she wanted it to speed up. She wasn't sure about whether she should fear the coming Thursday or be glad about. What eased things was that they weren't seeing much of each other. With her being in court all Tuesday and half of Wednesday where she'd taken the accuse against a defending Bud and him still buried under tons of old cases it had only been in the mornings at staff meeting where they met.  
  
But right now she was on her way to his office. She needed to ask him if she should cook or if they'd order. Her mood was up, she had fought her case well and the jury had been on her side when they'd spoken the verdict this afternoon.  
  
She knocked his door, he looked up to see whether it was a savior or an executioner standing there. Seeing her without a file she couldn't be an executioner though. But if she was a savior wasn't clear either.  
  
"Mac?"  
  
When she opened her mouth to speak it was PO Coates who spoke.  
  
"Colonel, Commander, the Admiral likes to see you, ASAP." With that she turned, in search of Lieutenant Bud Roberts and Commander Sturgis Turner.  
  
Harm rose from his chair. He hoped that their CO wouldn't give him another set of files as boring as those he'd already read for weeks.  
  
"Wonder what he wants?" Mac had waited at the door and was now crossing the bullpen by his side.  
  
He only shrugged his shoulders. Doesn't know.

* * *

When all four officers were gathered in the CO's office the Admiral made them sit down.  
  
"We've just got an urgent case." He took a file from his desk and moved back towards his curious officers.  
  
"Commander," He held the file out for Harm to take. "you and Lt. Roberts will investigate."  
  
"Aye, aye sir." Both said in unison.  
  
Mac closed her eyes for a second. Another thing that changed. Before recent events the Admiral had most certainly teamed Harm up with her, but now she was going to stay.  
  
"As you see there had been a ramp strike at the Patrick Henry."  
  
"Another one sir?"  
  
"Sadly yes. And as our carriers are needed right now you and the Lieutenant will leave immediately. I had Coates book you a flight."  
  
Once again both officers answered. "Aye, aye sir."  
  
"Colonel, Commander I want you to take over their most urgent cases. Is that understood?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
With that all four of them were dismissed.  
  
When they left the Admiral's office Harm whispered softly, "Sorry Mac."  
  
She couldn't say anything, another talk being postponed. Probably postponed to never.  
  
From behind her desk Mac watched him gather his things and saw him leave.  
  
When he crossed her office he only slightly bowed his head for saying goodbye. And for saying sorry. He knew they needed to talk. But with an investigation on a carrier somewhere in Asia he wouldn't be back in town soon. He felt sorry for that, but an order was an order. And he preferred to investigate this case himself, than let it do somebody else. He was the one who knew all pilots on board, he had lived with most of them for several months, had flown with them, trusted his life to them, while they had trusted theirs to him. He needed to do this.  
  
Some time around late afternoon, when Mac saw Jennifer getting ready to leave a thought crossed her mind.  
  
"Jennifer." she addressed the young woman. "Do you and Mattie got room for one more girl tomorrow."  
  
Coates thought a moment and than gave her okay. "Sure ma'am. Just come by at seven. We're going to rent a film and have some popcorn. Any preferences?"  
  
"No. Everything's fine with me. Thank you Jennifer."  
  
"You're welcome ma'am."

* * *

So Thursday turned out to be not the long dreaded day of talking but a somehow comforting evening spent with chit chat and a romantic comedy Mac had already seen before.  
  
Somewhere midway through the film the phone started to ring. Mattie went to answer it.  
  
_"Hi Mattie, it's Harm."  
  
_"Hey, how are things?"  
  
_"Our investigation's going well, we'd be finished by Friday I guess."  
  
_"So you'll be home on Saturday, Sunday latest?" she missed him, though she wouldn't tell.  
  
_"Actually that's why I'm calling."  
  
_"What, you're not coming?"  
  
_"Mattie, listen. The Captain asked me to stay, they're short handed right now. They need some pilots."  
  
_"Yeah, sure. And that's why you suggested yourself. Harm I'm here, you can't stay on that ship."  
  
_"Mattie, you know I'd love to be with you. But I'm in the Navy, you can't just go how you please, you have to follow orders."  
  
_"But you didn't get an order, you said the Captain asked you to." Her voice was getting louder with each word spoken.  
  
_"That's not the point. He would have asked for a temporary transfer, no matter what answer."  
  
_"Yeah, that's why you thought 'Ahw, flying a jet is much better than the naughty girl waiting at home.'" And with that she slammed the receiver back down and dropped herself onto the sofa behind her.  
  
Mac and Jen had both followed her side of the call and had grown anxious with each rising of Mattie's voice.  
  
"I figure that had been Harm." Jen said matter-of-factly.  
  
No response.  
  
Mac settled down next to Mattie.  
  
"You know he loves you, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, that's why he stays on that carrier." she sobbed silently.  
  
Mac knew how she felt, she'd gone through this, damn was going through this right now. Harm had not only left Mattie behind, but her, and their talk. She should have known it.  
  
"That's how he is. Flying is his life." 'He'd never change.'  
  
All three of them were lost in thoughts, the film still running in the background, totally forgotten.  
  
"You know where he currently is?" Mac finally asked.  
  
Mattie only shook her head. What does it matter?  
  
"The Patrick Henry was somewhere in the Indian Ocean last time I checked for the Admiral." Jen answered.  
  
Mac thought a moment about that, before she nearly whispered. "You think they're flying missions to Iraq?"  
  
"I honestly don't know ma'am."  
  
Mattie's eyes had grown wide in shock.  
  
"He isn't in danger, is he?" she asked the women sitting at each of her sides. None of them answered.


	2. Chapter 2

The following days had ticked by slowly. Once she'd been to court with Sturgis for a first hearing. But most of the time she had spent in her office, with way too much time to think about Harm and him flying a probably dangerous mission.  
  
By Sunday noon Bud returned from the carrier. Harriet had asked Mac to baby-sit for AJ and Jimmy. So she was there when he returned. Mac kept herself from asking about Harm, she feared the answer she might get. In the end it was Harriet who asked.  
  
"He'd been doing fine when I left. That had been Saturday morning."  
  
Mac was relieved by that. At least for now. She'd better call Mattie to tell her.  
  
Though Bud's statement eased her mind throughout the rest of day, it switched back to worse during nighttime.

* * *

Once again she did see white Navy uniforms. But no Summer Whites this time. Dress Whites all around her. She felt the soft cushion of the chair she was sitting at. Felt the warmth of the sun on her skin. When she looked up she found the sky a perfect blue. A blue so clear only a summer day could offer. But than again she could see the pain, feel it. Suddenly the picture changed. She saw a man walking over some field. Saw him starting to run, run towards a child. A child that didn't move. Then she saw some kind of explosion, she had to squeeze her eyes shut. Another change. She was sitting next to Harm. Tears were running down her cheeks and she could see them glittering in his eyes. He was crying. She remembered that day. The day when they had waited for news about one of their friends. Had waited together, had shared their pain. Bud had made it through. The picture went back to the warm summer day. This time it was different. She felt a hand softly touching her shoulder, trying to comfort her. It was the Admiral she saw when looking up. He was standing behind her chair. By his side all personal from the office was gathered. Mac searched for Harm, but didn't spot him in the crowd. She turned her eyes back down. She was only half aware of the officers who were folding the US flag into an accurate triangle. When the flag was trusted into her hand five fighter jets were performing their regular maneuver overhead in the still perfectly blue sky.  
  
Mac woke with a start. Her heart pounding loudly. 0254 hours. Still to early even for a run. All she could do was stay and try to set her mind on other things. Absentmindedly she stroked Jingo next to her.

* * *

Monday had gone by without a word. By Tuesday she couldn't stand the unknown any longer and asked to see the Admiral.  
  
"Sir, do you have news about the Commander?" she asked after she seated herself in front of his desk.  
  
"Not yet Colonel. But with the Commander I'd say 'No news are good news.'"  
  
"Sir permission to speak freely?"  
  
"Granted." AJ was curios at what was there to come.  
  
"Sir I'm very worried. Do you know if the Patrick Henry is directly involved in Iraq?"  
  
"Mac, we're in a war over there and the Patrick Henry is a part of that. But honestly I don't know what they do."  
  
"Could you check, sir?"  
  
"I can try." He already had, but there hadn't been much coming out of it. "Mac with you so worried may I assume that you and Harm have worked things out?"  
  
"Not yet sir, but we wanted to before he left. And I don't want it to end like this."  
  
"The Commander's a lucky guy. He came out of hot spots before."  
  
Mac rose. "Thank you sir, and I truly hope you're right."  
  
"So do I." AJ whispered when Mac closed the door behind her.

* * *

When Mac came home that night she settled down on the couch, reaching for her phone. Mattie was the first she called. Still no news. She started to repeat the Admiral's words to herself like a mantra. 'No news are good news.' She desperately hoped so.  
  
After some time she dialed a different number, a number she knew by heart.  
  
_"Hello?"  
  
_"Clay, this is Mac."  
  
He fell silent. And Mac struggled for a start.  
  
"Clay, would you do me a favor? For old times sake."  
  
_"That would be?"  
  
_"Could you check on the current mission of the Patrick Henry?" she dreaded his answer. He was the last one she could turn to.  
  
_"Why is that? Can't the Admiral do it? It's not my particularly area of operations."  
  
_"Clay, please." She hated to beg, but sometimes things couldn't be helped.  
  
_"What for? Why are you interested in the Patrick Henry? Harm yes, he might, but you."  
  
_Mac kept quiet, there it was why she'd feared this call. She would have to tell him, hurt him. Hurt him once more.  
  
_"No, Mac don't say that you just asked me to do what I think you did."_ His voice had lost some of his power but gained some pain. Pain she knew she was causing.  
  
"Clay, let me explain."  
  
_"No. You want me to check on the guy you left me for?"  
  
_"I didn't left you for Harm. I left you because you love me and I didn't."  
  
_"Yeah, that's what you said two weeks ago. But I haven't figured it out yet. Why leave somebody when you know he loves you?"  
_  
"Because I don't want to hurt you. And that I would have done, sooner or later. I would have fooled the both of us. I'm sorry Clay."  
  
He thought about it. Probably he couldn't help it. And deep down inside he'd known it as well. Had always known that Sarah was in love with Harm. He had hoped for a wonder, for her love to change during the months they had been together. But after all it had been him who brought both of them to meet. Back on this day when he used her for tracking her uncle and the Declaration of Independence down. He had limited his chances back then already.  
  
_"I call you when I find something."  
  
_"Thank you Clay."

* * *

She was walking down the corridor by his apartment. For a moment she stopped in her tracks and looked at his bolted door. How she wished that she could just go over there, ring his bell so he would open the door facing her with that smile of his.  
  
Sighing softly she diverted her attention to the reason she was there. Mattie had asked her to come over when she'd last called. She knew that the girl was worried about Harm, maybe just as much as she. With several quick steps she closed the distance to the women's apartment. She knocked trice before the door opened.  
  
"Hi Mac." Mattie greeted shyly and let the woman step into the room.  
  
"Hallo Mattie. Where's Jen?" Mac looked around the room but couldn't spot the young PO.  
  
"She went to see some new movie. Want something to drink?" The girl was feeling nervous. She'd never been alone with Mac before, she didn't know her that well. Only from what Harm had told her, and that wasn't much. But she needed somebody to talk, and with her regular calls and from what Jen had let slip about Harm and Mac's relationship, Mattie figured that Mac was the best person for that.  
  
"Thank you." Mac wasn't feeling any better either.  
  
When Mattie returned with a bottle of water and two glasses, silence lingered in the room for some minutes. Both females having settled onto the couch, thinking about how to get this started.  
  
"Are you alright?" Mac finally asked though she probably knew the answer.  
  
"Are you?" Mattie's eyes had now focused on the older woman.  
  
"He's fine. I'm sure of that." She tried to reassure the girl just as much as she tried to comfort herself.  
  
"How do you know? He didn't call all week." Anger was once again evident in the girl's voice.  
  
"They are pretty occupied. I'm sure he's going to call when he can spare the time." She hoped so much he would. Then she would at least know that he was doing fine.  
  
"You don't need to defend him. You know him better than I do. And even I know that he's not going to do that. He has totally forgotten about me."  
  
Mac was shocked on the outburst of the girl. She knew that maybe pieces of what Mattie had said were true, but still, she knew that Harm loved her deeply. He cared for this girl like she was his own, maybe not his daughter, but a beloved little sister for sure. But what she knew for sure as well was that, when there was flying involved he seemed to put everything else into the back of his mind.  
  
"He's not forgetting you." She reached out to put her hand onto the girl's arm. "And he'll come back."  
  
"Yeah, this time. But it wouldn't change anything. He's always out of town and I'm staying with Jen. It's like she'd become my ward." Tears of anger were mixing with those of hurt. These last weeks she'd felt more and more like she was pushed away again. And if Harm did that he wasn't any better than her father. She thought he was. At the beginning she had felt like being in a family again, with a father to admire and a sister she could always talk to. But with the time gone by Harm had made only occasional appearances in her life. Sure, he was caring about her well being, but in the end it was always Jen who she could turn to. And she wasn't going to do all this once more. She was capable of living on her own and she would do so again if need be, though somewhere inside she hoped that she was misjudging Harm, that he was caring about her, that he wanted her in his life.  
  
Mac didn't know what to answer on that. That was so typically Harm. He was there when need be, was there to help. But when the tension of the moment wears off and things settled into the all day routine, he was backing away. He always did. He'd been doing it when Sergei was with him, he'd been doing it in Paraguay. It wasn't any different this time. He'd been there for Mattie when she'd needed help. He'd found a solution. And then he was stepping back, leaving her with Jen. For him that seemed to be the best. He still had his freedom. But had he ever asked what Mattie wanted? That was him, he wasn't committing, neither to Mattie nor to her.  
  
"You know, I want him to come back." Mattie whispered suddenly.  
  
"So do I."  
  
They were looking at each other, trying to force a small smile they weren't feeling.  
  
Mac admired the girl for her strength, she'd gone through a lot and she was still standing. Maybe, when all of this was past, they could try to get friends. She was sure they would get along well.  
  
Mattie looked at the woman opposite her, the woman that loved him, but was deeply hurt. One could see as much in her eyes right now. So maybe one day, when Harm and she had worked it all out, they could try to get friends. She'd liked to have Mac for a friend.  
  
"You alright?" Mac asked like she'd done quite a while ago.  
  
"Might get better. You?"  
  
"We'll see. I'll make it through." She always had.

* * *

It had been a week since her talk to Mattie and two since the day she had called Clayton Webb. He had responded right that night. But it hadn't helped to sat her mind at peace. Though they weren't currently flying over Iraq they could do so on short notice. Right now they were only guarding the seas around the Arabian Peninsula.  
  
Mac had spent her days at the office forcing herself to concentrate on work. While at night the nightmare kept reappearing. She had gone to court. Had once won her defense against Sturgis but had lost another against the pair of Bud and Tiner. Every now and then she found herself underestimating Tiner. She still saw her CO's yeoman in him. Not the lawyer he now was.  
  
Returning home Mac immediately switched her TV on. ZNN. She watched out for news. Although the killing of American soldiers had reached a dramatically high amount during the last months the government still insisted on letting their soldiers be stationed in Iraq. Each time she heard about another American killed her heart skipped a beat. But each time so far it had been another attack on some vehicle, no planes involved. Besides knowing this deaths would cause pain and sorrow in the USA she was always glad about it being somebody else.  
  
The news turned to foreign policies. She closed her eyes, trying to relax. Ban the pictures she'd just seen and which would most certainly invade her nightmares. She heard a soft knock. She opened her eyes, looked at the TV showing a picture of German chancellor Schroeder shaking hands with some high officials from UN. There it was again. A knock. Who would be visiting this late? 


	3. Chapter 3

She turned the TV off and crossed the room to the door. Slowly she opened it, peeking outside. And after a moment where she didn't move she pulled the door open in rush.  
  
He was back. Standing right there in front of her door. She looked him up and down. He looked good. Casual jeans, a blue sweater and his brown leather jacket. His hair was slightly longer than when he left. He obviously hadn't it cut on board. A small smile laid on his lips. A smile she had missed for three weeks and had feared never to see again.  
  
Without thinking Mac just rushed forward, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Kissed him fully onto the lips. Harm was shocked for a few seconds before he settled into the situation, draped his arms around her waist and slightly opened his mouth. They shared a passionate kiss, similar to the one on the Admiral's porch, but totally different. This time it wasn't goodbye. It was welcome.  
  
When they parted, both out of breath, Mac said. "Glad you're back."  
  
"I see." A flyboy grin was now playing round his lips.  
  
Finally Mac focused back into present and recognized they were still standing outside her apartment.  
  
"Want to come on in?"  
  
"Thought you never ask."  
  
Mac turned in his arms before she freed herself to lead him inside.  
  
The soft sound of the door closing made her turn around. She needed to see if he was really there or if it had been a dream. But he still was. Now that the tension of the first moment had vanished neither of them knew what to do. They just stood in a somewhat awkward silence.  
  
"Does Mattie know?"  
  
"Yeah, I've been home first."  
  
"You should have called her."  
  
"I know. I tried." He looked down at the floor. He'd gone through this with Mattie already. He'd tried to explain. She'd tried to understand. And he knew that it had only been one step in the right direction. He needed to change a few things. He wanted to.  
  
Some more minutes of silence followed.  
  
"Mac do you happen to have something to eat. I'm starving."  
  
"Pizza?" she asked and got a nod.  
  
Mac went to the kitchen for some drinks and to order a pizza while Harm settled down onto the couch his jacket lying over the armchair.  
  
Coming back into the room she found him sitting in one of the corners of her sofa. She placed the glasses on the small table and turned to get herself seated. She chose a place somewhere in the middle. Not so near she could easily lean in to another kiss, but not so far off that she couldn't touch him.  
  
"Harm why did you come here?" she needed to know. Yes she was glad that he was back. But he could have waited until tomorrow at the office, or he could have called.  
  
"I thought we had some talking to do. And I want you to know I'm not running." His eyes were totally sincere when we said that.  
  
"Why did you stay on the Patrick Henry then?" It had bothered her all the time.  
  
"Mac, they needed some pilots down there. And I happened to be one. So I stayed."  
  
"Harm, you're a lawyer. You're no longer on active flight duty."  
  
"I've got my flight status and I've got some experience. That had been all they needed. I thought you would understand."  
  
"I would have, wouldn't it be for Mattie. You promised to be there for her, you can't just..." she shook her head thinking of what to say. "You can't just leave everything behind for flying."  
  
"I didn't. I thought about it. But I'm a pilot and I'm in the Navy to serve my country. Wherever they need me. You know Tuna got a wife and two small children at home, and Skates has a waiting husband here in Washington. They've all got something to lose, but they stayed. Stayed for keeping those they loved save."  
  
Mac nodded. She did understand his point but it had reminded her so much of the day he had told her about going back into active flight duty.  
  
"You've said so once before, said flying was more important to me than everything else. The day I told you about having requested a transfer." he also remembered. "Do you really think that?"  
  
She softly nodded again, but feared to look into his eyes.  
  
Carefully he cupped her chin and moved it up so she had to look him right into the eyes.  
  
"Never do so again, please. There are things more important in my life. Mattie for instance. I don't take the responsibility of a child lighthearted. And there..." he feared to speak the next words, than changed them completely. "And other things."  
  
"I know." She did for having felt the same way back when he'd first returned to flying, not able to spill the words.  
  
"But Mac I want to know if there is a chance we can rebuild our friendship."  
  
"Starting all over again?"  
  
"Yes, so is there?"  
  
"Yes there is. Now that you're back here with me." She hoped so, and she would try with all her might.  
  
"You worried about me?"  
  
"Sure. You're always getting into trouble."  
  
"No, only when I'm on some CIA mission, preferably Webb ones."  
  
"Don't blame it on him. I even made him check on you two weeks ago."  
  
"You did? And he did? He must really love you then." He felt pain rising in his heart, but with the time passing he had learned to accepted things he couldn't change and had decided on trying to get their old friendship back.  
  
There was no response to that.  
  
"But you shouldn't have worried in the first place. I'm a good pilot."  
  
"Than it must be due to me that each time we went flying together something went wrong."  
  
Images of a plane landing on some clearing, Mac being shot, both of them ejecting from a Russian MiG, Mac crashing a plane in Paraguay started rising in both their minds. They've gone through a lot.  
  
"You know, I've been dreaming about you dying." She had only whispered this, maybe hoping he wouldn't catch the words. But she had to tell someone.  
  
He just sat there too shocked for any words to get out.  
  
"I've seen your mum and Frank. They were sitting next to me with Mattie and Chloe on my other side. This really freaked me out. I thought it might be some kind of vision. You know like the ones where I found you and Chloe."  
  
"But it hadn't been. You've only seen into the present so far, not in the future." He spoke the words softly, his voice caressing her troubled soul while his arms wrapped around her comforted her in a more physical way. During her story he had moved towards her, only inches, but now he was near her.  
  
"You're never going to lose me. Never. And like I said on the Admiral's porch, 'You have someone who will always love you.'"  
  
"And you have somebody that loves you."  
  
"May I ask you something?" They had released each other and settled back into the cushions.  
  
Harm motioned her to go ahead.  
  
"Why did you let me go back in, that night?"  
  
He thought a moment. "I wanted you to be happy. And I thought you were, probably hoped so. I would have done everything for you to be happy. Even be there at this wedding, although I couldn't stand the thought of Bugme being your husband."  
  
"That's why you started during the storm, you wanted to be there for me."  
  
Eyes cast down he slowly nodded his head.  
  
"That's why you never said a word. I thought you didn't care. That you were too soaked up with your video princess."  
  
"Don't blame it on Renee. You've been the one who turned up with a ring on her finger just after I told you I wasn't ready yet."  
  
"You pushed me away that night in Sydney. I poured my heart out and you just said no. Do you know how that felt?"  
  
"Actually, yes I do. And I only told you 'not yet', you've said 'never'."  
  
"You never said anything. The only thing you did was resign your commission and come after me. That had been the stupidest thing you've ever done. I didn't understand why you did that."  
  
"I thought this was pretty clear. But it had always been your problem to relay more on words said than on actions taken. You've always listened to those who told you all the right things. Ragle, Dalton, Bugme and the not to be forgotten Clayton Webb. They've told you they loved you and you went with it. I don't understand why you did." He rose, grabbed the empty pizza box lying on the table and moved to the kitchen.  
  
Mac followed him instantly. But she stopped at the door, her glance resting on his back. He was leaning against a counter and tried to calm himself.  
  
"I don't know why words are so important to me. With my childhood one should think I would despise words. But each time a man says he loves me I fall for it. Probably I had fallen for the world they were offering. Chris brought me away from my father, though things didn't change much, they only got another face attached. Dalton offered me the prospect of a world outside of military service. And Mic, he offered me all you weren't but what I thought I longed for. He offered me a home, unquestioned love."  
  
Mac had moved into the kitchen while speaking.  
  
"Harm I'm sorry for saying 'never'. But back then it seemed to be for the best."  
  
He slowly turned, hands still firmly positioned on the counter. She was standing in front of him only arm-length away. But still miles apart.  
  
"I'd just spend a few weeks with Clay. And in this short time he already knew he loved me. And he told me so. You didn't. Not after seven years. You just came down there like some kind of savior. And you never said so much as a word. I just thought a final cut would be the best."  
  
She had slowly closed the gap. She could already smell his aftershave. But still she didn't reach out for him.  
  
"When we came back and you were with the CIA I suddenly knew why you had resigned your commission, why you had come after me. Most surely I did know back in Paraguay but was way too stupid to admit it. But when you were gone..." Now she had her hands lightly positioned on his hips feeling the soft cotton of his sweatshirt. "I saw all the things clearly. Saw how wrong I had been." With that she leaned in to kiss him. Only softly her lips were touching his, and only for a second before she backed away.  
  
"I've had my share of bad mistakes and wrong decisions, too." he whispered. "One day we need to work all this out."  
  
His hands were now moving up her side. Slowly he pulled her closer, close enough for their lips to touch.  
  
"Sarah, I love you." He'd spoken the words loud and clearly, no mistaking them.  
  
Mac stared at him wide-eyed. Everything she'd ever dreamt of had come true in a mere second.  
  
"I love you too." She laid her head against his chest, wanting to feel his heartbeat, soaking in his warmth and scent.  
  
After minutes of comfortable silence where they had just held each other Harm asked a question.  
  
"Mac, what about Clay?"  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"What will he say?"  
  
"Nothing. He knows already, probably had all the time. And it's _need to know_."  
  
"Need to know?"  
  
"I thought you've been with the CIA, not me. He doesn't need to know. Not right now anyway."  
  
"But you're involved, aren't you?"  
  
"No we're not. We split a month ago."  
  
"You did? And you didn't tell me."  
  
"I thought I just did."  
  
Harm covered her grin with his mouth, both of them sharing another of their passionate kisses.  
  
"I'd like to tell you about some other dream I had."  
  
"You've been dreaming a lot lately." He softly tucked a lock behind her ear.  
  
"You remember the day when you left JAG for flying after your eye-surgery?"  
  
He did. "You were cursing me for being the only one crying. But you were wrong."  
  
"I was?" This was new to her. She still recalled that day, could still see his eyes. A thing that still made her wonder. How could he manage to look up at her from underneath although he was taller than her?  
  
"Yeah. So what was it I should remember?"  
  
"The moment on the stairs in the parking lot."  
  
"I do, I never did forget. So you've been dreaming about our deal?"  
  
"Maybe." She loved having him back to tease him.  
  
Suddenly Harm grabbed her around the waist and lifted her up. He sat her on the counter pushing himself between her knees.  
  
Mac told him about the dream of the baby she had had before the nightmares had begun.  
  
"So I see the Dress Whites and Gold Wings did their share at least." he said when she had ended her little dream story.  
  
"No they didn't, though they didn't harm you either."  
  
"Yeah I knew back in Columbia you loved them."  
  
"Trusted on what evidence?"  
  
"Trusted on the fact that you nearly kissed me when seeing me for the first time."  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"Yes you did."  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"I'll show you." He positioned his hands on both her cheeks and started to pull her face near his, just the way she had done all those years ago.  
  
"Okay, yes I did." And with that her lips met those of Harm.

* * *

Mac was sitting in the rocking chair, smiling down at a sleeping baby. Gently she rocked back and forth not to wake it.  
  
A girl rounded the corner of the room.  
  
"Mac, could you help me with my math homework?" Mattie whispered not to wake the sleeping infant.  
  
"We'll see about it when Harm comes home, alright?" She was glad that Mattie spent this week with them while her father was out of town doing business.  
  
Mattie nodded and returned to her room next door, but not without softly touching one of the small feet. Mac rocked the baby gently in her arms.  
  
She heard a door click someway off. And only moments later there he was. She looked at Summer Whites, Gold Wings, black hair and those deep blue eyes she'd always lost herself in.  
  
He stepped closer to her and the child. Bending down to kiss her he softly took the baby out of his mother's arms. Carefully holding the little head he positioned the infant on his left arm, protected against his chest. Mac watched him touch the small face tenderly. Saw his finger circle the outline of the baby's ear. Watched him run it down over its cheeks, only touching the baby softly. His finger trailed down a tiny arm slowly caressing a hand so small one could hardly believe it. Automatically the baby's hand opened and tried to encircle Harm's index finger.  
  
Harm smiled down at his daughter, she was now two months old. He loved holding her, just watching her sleep. She had already grown a great share of soft brown hair and her eyes had turned into a chocolate brown a few days back. She was all her mother's girl.  
  
He lifted his eyes to watch her mother. Mac was now standing next to the crib softly smiling at him.  
  
"Dreams don't always come true. Your looks, my brain."  
  
The moment Mattie came back into the nursery Mac settled down into the rocking chair.  
  
"But sometimes they do."  
  
She smiled down at the little boy now lying in her arms. He was wide awake, showing his eyes still blue. A blue like that of a brilliant summer sky. But a blue she knew would darken in time. Darken to the color of his father's eyes.  
  
Mac raised her eyes and let them wander over the two girls, as Mattie had now taken care of the baby, and her husband.  
  
'Yes, some do. And hopefully others don't.'

* * *

THE END

* * *

That was that. Thanks to those who reviewed and those who just read. Hope you like it. If not, blame my friend, she encouraged me to post it ;-) 


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